As I sit and watch the time go by with my daughter leaving home in just 2 days, my heart wants to stop! I am at a loss of the intense emotions I am feeling inside. I am scared for her and so very much anxious. I am trying to be strong for her but I fear I am losing that battle today. I dont want her to leave!! I want so bad just to stop time for another year or more. But I cannot. This is like the long goodbye or long see ya later. It rushes on whether or not I want it to stop. I am undone. She has so filled this house with her laughter and her joy. She has been her name to us......Joy!!

Yes, it has been a long while since I have posted. Life has been difficult but I am hanging on by the Grace of God. I am in a season of transitions......and that is very hard right now. With the onset of my youngest leaving the nest and going 9 hours away is challenging everything in me to stay not only mentally and emotionally strong but sober at the same time. This is hard. Soon my son will be in the Navy, my oldest in nursing school, and my youngest away at college in another state!! Losing all three in less than a years time....WOW! It hurts and is very sad but I am happy for them at the same time. The sadness fills every inch of my heart and I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach!! SIGH!!

Thoughts and Ponderings....

Life is a journey indeed. Going through different seasons and changes makes one take stock and think about some of the important things in our lives. For me it has been my youngest graduating from High School. We are close and I will miss her when she leaves for college.

On a more serious note, why does such horrible abuse occur?
Is there not one person in my family that did not abuse me?
Why was I the victim?
Why did I shut down and create my own world of mini-me's?
Will I always live with this scar tissue in my heart?
Why do Christians put a mask and then deceive young teens?
And force them to do things that are evil and horrendous?
I want out of this mess....this pain....this prison....this world
I have created inside my head and heart.

Lord have mercy on us all!!!

It has been a number of weeks since I posted. I made it through my birthday...alive. It was a fight for me for sure and still is to a degree. My therapist has been out of town for a bit and I am just trying to stay on top of things inside. My youngest graduates in a few weeks so things are kinda busy. Hope to post more later.....cjh

Wow....its been a tough couple of weeks for me (us ) my inside ones imparticular. The depth of despair is overwhelming right now.
I wish I could just be gone but I suppose I have to stick around....God's funny sense of humor.
I dont want to be here. I dont want to trust anyone....not sure if I can anyway. I dont want to open up anymore....it is not safe I fear. Maybe I will just slip silently away into nothingness.

YouTube - Lifehouse - Broken (Live)

YouTube - Lifehouse - Broken (Live)

nature of trees

Tired

S w i t c h i n g M a k e s M e T i r e d !!

I am so freaking sick of having to deal with junk that needs healing!!! You know that being silent is probably a good thing in my situation.

So here's the deal. It's been a rough few days but I am breathing still. I have had difficulty with my inside ones especially a couple of them. I am sick of drinking but am afraid of the 12 steps. Missy, one of my people, insists on her own partying ways and going against authority and no matter the cost. Uncontrollable it seems. That
is it for now.

I am sick of living! Perhaps I will now die.....

"life is hard...then you die" This is a statement my dad made so many times growing up and still does unfortunately. It stinks!! How can you even want to grow up if thats the case anyway?! Tonight, I'd rather not be an adult at all. Too much responsibility...its too hard! I would rather just "play" all day and be carefree and wild.

The mystery of the mind

I am amazed at the fact that my mind has had the ability to dissassociate in the middle of some of the most difficult times. It might could be looked at as a gift of sorts. A way to cope and survive. Now, that gift is in need of being exchanged for a more perfect gift....living in joy. Living in such a way to enjoy without being afraid of what lies ahead. God has promised me to turn me out right and turn me around and no matter how long it takes....His timing is perfect. He is in no hurry although I may be at times. So as I go on to face whatever pain or memory or whatever I have to face, may I never forget His word to me. A promise to be WHOLE!

Pain. Life is full of pain but if we do not face the pain and run away, we will never learn how to live beyond it.  Joy lies at the end of the journey into wholeness for me. Only in Jesus will my hope be found to know true wholeness!

Today I am numb. I am numb to the feelings that haunt me, the pictures that surround me, and the massive pain that weighs on me.

It seems as if I have encountered much static and resistance in this road of healing. I know I have to face the pain, but pain has been an enemy of mine! How can you face your enemy when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and just die. I hate the truth. I hate reality. Neither one offers any hope of true recovery so it can seem sometimes.

Puzzle

I am but a puzzle,
Scattered pieces to and fro.
Different shapes, obscure places
Bent and defined, where do they go??

Many pieces in but time,
Now being gathered for this day.
By Your hand it fits together,
Broken, bent but in its place.

04/01/2006
cjh

Being DID is so challenging! The last several days I have had to look at some "parts" of me that I do not like at all. That being said, I know that at some point I have to acknowledge that they are indeed a part of me. I cannot accept them yet. It is too painful and frankly too embaressing. It brings me shame. I know that it is only a piece of me but at the same time, it is like a piece of glass stuck in my arm that doesn't belong. Lord help me.

WOULD YOU?

Would You hold me gently?
Can I lay my head against Your chest?
Would You hold me softly?
Wiping every tear from my eyes?
Would You hold me purely?
Validating my tired soul.

10/14

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?...
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him.
The help of my countenance, and my God."
Psalm 42:11

I AM DOWN

I am down. Why do I go on?! I am so tired of living. Exhausted these last few years. No one to blame but my name in this living exsistence I am in. Retreat into hiding....run from shame...run from pain....run till they cant find you anymore!!

So what am I supposed to think about a new year? Last year was so completely
difficult and overwhelming. What can I expect out of this new year? So many
losses last year and so many mistakes. I will not make new years resolutions
because I can never measure up anyway.