Today I am numb. I am numb to the feelings that haunt me, the pictures that surround me, and the massive pain that weighs on me.

It seems as if I have encountered much static and resistance in this road of healing. I know I have to face the pain, but pain has been an enemy of mine! How can you face your enemy when all you want to do is crawl into a hole and just die. I hate the truth. I hate reality. Neither one offers any hope of true recovery so it can seem sometimes.

Puzzle

I am but a puzzle,
Scattered pieces to and fro.
Different shapes, obscure places
Bent and defined, where do they go??

Many pieces in but time,
Now being gathered for this day.
By Your hand it fits together,
Broken, bent but in its place.

04/01/2006
cjh

Being DID is so challenging! The last several days I have had to look at some "parts" of me that I do not like at all. That being said, I know that at some point I have to acknowledge that they are indeed a part of me. I cannot accept them yet. It is too painful and frankly too embaressing. It brings me shame. I know that it is only a piece of me but at the same time, it is like a piece of glass stuck in my arm that doesn't belong. Lord help me.

WOULD YOU?

Would You hold me gently?
Can I lay my head against Your chest?
Would You hold me softly?
Wiping every tear from my eyes?
Would You hold me purely?
Validating my tired soul.

10/14

"Why are you in despair, O my soul?...
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him.
The help of my countenance, and my God."
Psalm 42:11

I AM DOWN

I am down. Why do I go on?! I am so tired of living. Exhausted these last few years. No one to blame but my name in this living exsistence I am in. Retreat into hiding....run from shame...run from pain....run till they cant find you anymore!!

So what am I supposed to think about a new year? Last year was so completely
difficult and overwhelming. What can I expect out of this new year? So many
losses last year and so many mistakes. I will not make new years resolutions
because I can never measure up anyway.