As I sit and watch the time go by with my daughter leaving home in just 2 days, my heart wants to stop! I am at a loss of the intense emotions I am feeling inside. I am scared for her and so very much anxious. I am trying to be strong for her but I fear I am losing that battle today. I dont want her to leave!! I want so bad just to stop time for another year or more. But I cannot. This is like the long goodbye or long see ya later. It rushes on whether or not I want it to stop. I am undone. She has so filled this house with her laughter and her joy. She has been her name to us......Joy!!

Yes, it has been a long while since I have posted. Life has been difficult but I am hanging on by the Grace of God. I am in a season of transitions......and that is very hard right now. With the onset of my youngest leaving the nest and going 9 hours away is challenging everything in me to stay not only mentally and emotionally strong but sober at the same time. This is hard. Soon my son will be in the Navy, my oldest in nursing school, and my youngest away at college in another state!! Losing all three in less than a years time....WOW! It hurts and is very sad but I am happy for them at the same time. The sadness fills every inch of my heart and I feel like someone has punched me in the stomach!! SIGH!!

Thoughts and Ponderings....

Life is a journey indeed. Going through different seasons and changes makes one take stock and think about some of the important things in our lives. For me it has been my youngest graduating from High School. We are close and I will miss her when she leaves for college.

On a more serious note, why does such horrible abuse occur?
Is there not one person in my family that did not abuse me?
Why was I the victim?
Why did I shut down and create my own world of mini-me's?
Will I always live with this scar tissue in my heart?
Why do Christians put a mask and then deceive young teens?
And force them to do things that are evil and horrendous?
I want out of this mess....this pain....this prison....this world
I have created inside my head and heart.

Lord have mercy on us all!!!

It has been a number of weeks since I posted. I made it through my birthday...alive. It was a fight for me for sure and still is to a degree. My therapist has been out of town for a bit and I am just trying to stay on top of things inside. My youngest graduates in a few weeks so things are kinda busy. Hope to post more later.....cjh

Wow....its been a tough couple of weeks for me (us ) my inside ones imparticular. The depth of despair is overwhelming right now.
I wish I could just be gone but I suppose I have to stick around....God's funny sense of humor.
I dont want to be here. I dont want to trust anyone....not sure if I can anyway. I dont want to open up anymore....it is not safe I fear. Maybe I will just slip silently away into nothingness.

YouTube - Lifehouse - Broken (Live)

YouTube - Lifehouse - Broken (Live)

nature of trees